Apocalypschtick
by ForASecondThereWe'dWon
Summary: Ned is Peter's best friend. MJ is Peter's girlfriend. If he can just help Ned and MJ's friendship along, Peter's social life will basically be perfect. What could the two of them have in common besides liking him? (APOCA-LYP-SCHTICK, if you're struggling with the title.) **mentions of gun violence**


**Author's Note:**

Based on the Tumblr prompt: **35\. "If a zombie bit you, I'd be heartbroken, but I'd also shoot you twice in the head"** AND a request to write a funny scene of MJ and Ned having a conversation while Peter doesn't know what's going on.

* * *

Ned and MJ don't have a ton of overlapping interests, Peter's been finding. Mostly, they've had _him_ in common, which is a nice feeling, but has made extended hangouts hit-and-miss; there's nothing but dead air for his super-hearing to pick up if he leaves the two of them alone in a room. He's worked at tossing increasingly obscure topics into conversation when the three of them are together―arcing them in like long tennis serves―just to see if there's any subject they both jump on. The most obvious result is Peter finding some weird stuff on Wikipedia.

In hindsight, the thing they end up bonding over is one he really should have predicted. MJ loves death―true crime, film noir, Shakespearean tragedies. Ned loves science fiction―_Star Wars_, books by H.G. Wells, _ALF_. Apparently, in between death and sci-fi lies the common ground of apocalypse theories.

Seeing as they both know all about the insanity Peter went through in space (and then the entire universe went through during the Blip), a lot of time is devoted to alien-specific doomsday predictions.

This is all happening in one night, by the way. From Ned and MJ's sudden eye-lock of camaraderie to their ongoing discussion on bunkers (pros and cons). Peter's sitting between them watching _Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan_. He just discovered a week ago that there are really old _Star Trek_ movies and before that, get _this_, a TV series. Anyway, all he's really getting out of the experience is that Khan looks like he could be in a hair metal band. Peter finally has to leave the room for a few minutes when Ned starts gathering May's knickknacks from around the room as visual aids for the disagreement he's currently having with MJ.

He goes to the kitchen and pops two bags of popcorn; there's a close call when he almost throws both bags into the microwave at once. The symphony of buttery explosions is Peter's white noise to drown out the conversation in the other room. Maybe all the alien talk should make him uncomfortable or even depressed after his less-than-stellar (no pun intended) trip to space, but honestly, it's just kind of boring. Why get so hung up on the end of the world? That part sucks. The world _existing_ is what's awesome. Growing and aging and living. Going from Regular Peter to Spider-Man Peter to Peter-with-a-girlfriend.

Peter upends both bags of popcorn into one massive bowl, then bangs the door of the microwave open and closed a few times, trying to use up extra seconds. He goes back to his friends.

"There's a moral imperative," Ned's saying forcefully.

"That's what I'm saying," MJ shoots back, jabbing a finger into the couch cushion between them. Peter stands in the doorway, arms wrapped around the popcorn bowl. "Of course there's a moral imperative, but which way does it go?"

"Obviously," Ned starts, "it's in favour of your friends and loved ones. Being loyal, protecting them until a cure is found."

"But that isn't moral at all," she argues. "It's the apocalypse, Ned. You can't live on those 'what ifs,' you have to be more realistic. Morally, you do what it takes to guarantee the survival of the greatest number of people, even if it means sacrificing someone you care about."

"But what kind of people are we if we so readily betray―oh hey, Peter."

Ned gives him a grin, untroubled by the confusion Peter can feel pretty clearly on his own face.

"Doesn't sound like you're talking about bunkers anymore," he ventures, circling the couch and dropping down between his best friend and his girlfriend. "What's goin' on? Brief summary."

"The ethics of a zombie apocalypse," MJ says.

Peter waits for a moment, but she just reaches for a handful of popcorn.

"Ok," he encourages, "a little less brief."

"Well," Ned offers, making Peter turn in his direction, "we've more or less agreed to disagree. I personally have come to the conclusion that hope and one's innate sense of humanity are inextricably tied to continuing to treat your family as your family even if they join the leagues of the undead, whereas MJ…"

When he trails off and fills his mouth with popcorn instead of words, Peter shifts back to face his girlfriend, who shrugs nonchalantly.

"If a zombie bit you, I'd be heartbroken, but I'd also shoot you twice in the head."

"Oh."

"Wouldn't you shoot me in the head if I was going to turn into a zombie?" she asks.

"Uhhh…"

"Dude, don't answer that," Ned recommends. "You don't say you'd shoot your girlfriend in the head. Not under any circumstance."

"Ok, _but_," MJ says, getting back into the discussion and bracing her hand on Peter's knee to lean around him and speak to Ned, "what if being shot in the head is what your loved one would want? Then, you have a whole other consideration to make, _vis__-_à_-__vis _moral imperative."

"Obviously, it's a lot easier to say, 'hey, if I get bit by a zombie, shoot me in the head,' ahead of time when you don't necessarily know that's going to happen. Once it's happening, can't you change your mind?"

MJ narrows her eyes thoughtfully. Peter eats more popcorn. Khan the hair metal bad guy says some stuff in the background.

"You mean during the short period between getting bit and the infection taking hold?"

"Right," Ned agrees. "When you're essentially still you, before the desire for brains kicks in."

"What do you think, Peter?" his girlfriend asks, suddenly looking at him.

"I've never fought a zombie," he says uncertainly.

She rolls her eyes.

"But you have been in combat. In stressful situations."

"Yeah," his best friend chimes in. "Do you think danger influences your sense of self to the point where you wouldn't want a decision you make then to have an effect on your life outside of that situation, or are you basically still capable of making even critical choices in the same way you'd make them while safe?"

"Uh," Peter starts, gaze roaming around the room, "sometimes I make better choices during a fight than anything I could plan in advance?" His voice goes up not because he doubts what he's saying, but because he's not certain he's actually answering the question, which has thoroughly confounded him.

"Hmm," MJ says, eyes squinting seriously when he looks at her. "Good point. So maybe only experience can inform sound decision-making."

"But that contradicts the efforts of preparing for an apocalypse!" Ned yelps. "If you just accept that you can only figure out what to do once the bad thing is happening, I mean… wouldn't that be stressful? Not planning ahead?"

"I never plan ahead," is the contribution Peter mumbles out, continuing to be confused.

"The alternative is that spontaneity may be the key to happiness in the apocalypse," MJ debates with a shrug. She chews some popcorn.

"Happiness," Ned says wonderingly. It freaks Peter out. "Not just survival."

MJ leans across Peter's lap again to make her final point.

"Carpe. Diem," she says slowly.

"Wow," Ned breathes.

Peter glances from him to MJ and back.

"I'm going for a swing," he says, jerking his thumb towards his bedroom, where his Spidey suit is folded in a drawer. "Couple laps of the block maybe."

"Take your time," MJ says, unconcerned.

"Dinosaurs," Ned says with a sudden spark. "If they really found a way to bring them back, like _Jurassic Park_…"

Peter shifts the bowl of popcorn from his lap to Ned's, realizing the comment is not directed at him. With a shake of his head, he goes to his room and changes into the suit, then glances into the living room again. MJ and Ned are deep in discussion. He wonders if they realize they're the guests and their host is leaving them in _his_ (and May's) apartment. Peter, baffled, snorts a laugh and climbs out his bedroom window.


End file.
